Why We’re Attracted to People Who Treat Us Poorly

Attraction to people who treat us poorly typically stems from insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, and cultural messaging about love, but licensed therapy helps individuals recognize these patterns and develop healthier relationship dynamics through evidence-based interventions.

Ever found yourself drawn to someone who clearly isn't good for you? Attraction to people who treat us poorly involves complex psychology around attachment, self-worth, and learned patterns - here's what's really happening and how to break the cycle.

Content Warning: This article discusses relationship dynamics that may include references to abuse and unhealthy behavioral patterns. If you or someone you care about is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Free support is available 24/7.

Human relationships are rarely simple, and the reasons we’re drawn to particular people can be complex and sometimes contradictory. You may have noticed—in yourself or someone close to you—a pattern of attraction to individuals who don’t demonstrate healthy relationship behaviors. Understanding these patterns isn’t about judgment; it’s about gaining insight into the psychological and emotional factors that shape our connections with others.

Defining Unhealthy Relationship Behavior

When we talk about someone behaving in “unhealthy” ways within a relationship, we’re referring to a broad spectrum of behaviors. For some, this might mean a partner who is emotionally unavailable or consistently unreliable. For others, it could involve disrespectful communication, manipulation, or more serious patterns that cross into abuse.

This distinction matters significantly. Not washing dishes and leaving household responsibilities to a partner represents an inconsiderate behavior that can be addressed through communication. Yelling, intimidation, or controlling behavior represents something far more serious—potential signs of an abusive dynamic that requires different considerations and interventions.

Research indicates that a substantial portion of people remain in relationships where they don’t feel entirely satisfied. Understanding why can help us approach these situations—whether we’re experiencing them ourselves or observing them in people we care about—with greater compassion and insight.

The Psychology Behind Attraction to Unhealthy Patterns

Attachment Styles and Relationship Dynamics

One of the most significant factors influencing attraction patterns involves attachment theory. Research on attachment styles has identified how early experiences with caregivers shape our adult relationship patterns.

People with anxious attachment styles often find themselves drawn to individuals with avoidant attachment patterns. Someone who is emotionally distant or “hard to get” may unconsciously activate the anxious person’s desire to pursue and secure connection. The tension created by this push-pull dynamic can feel like passion or intensity, even though it often leads to instability and emotional distress.

Importantly, both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are considered insecure patterns. This means that in these dynamics, both individuals may be operating from places of emotional difficulty rather than one person simply making poor choices. Recognizing this can reduce shame and open pathways toward healthier patterns through therapeutic support.

The “Fixer” Mentality and Redemption Narratives

Many people enter or remain in relationships with emotionally unavailable or unkind individuals because they believe they can be “the one” to inspire change. This pattern often develops from early experiences where love was conditional or where a person learned that their value came from taking care of others’ emotional needs.

Popular culture reinforces this dynamic extensively. Romance novels, films, and television shows frequently feature storylines where a patient, caring person transforms a “bad boy” or “bad girl” through the power of their love. These narratives can be compelling, but they present a distorted picture of how relationships and personal change actually work.

Studies examining these media tropes have found that they often portray power imbalances and dynamics that would be unhealthy in real relationships. When we internalize these messages—particularly during formative years—they can shape our expectations about what love looks like and who deserves our emotional investment.

For survivors of childhood abuse or neglect, this pattern can be especially pronounced. Early messages that “people who love you hurt you” create vulnerability to relationships that repeat familiar painful dynamics. Recognizing and challenging these internalized beliefs is an important part of developing healthier relationship patterns.

Self-Worth and Relationship Standards

Self-esteem plays a significant role in the relationships we pursue and maintain. When someone believes they don’t deserve better treatment or fears they won’t find another partner, they may tolerate behavior they would never accept for a friend or loved one.

Low self-esteem can originate from various sources: mental health conditions, difficult family experiences, bullying, discrimination, or harmful messages from media and culture. Social media, in particular, can reinforce feelings of inadequacy when people compare themselves to curated images and narratives that don’t reflect reality.

This can create a self-fulfilling cycle: believing you don’t deserve healthy love leads to relationships with people who confirm that belief, which further damages self-esteem and makes it harder to recognize or pursue healthier connections.

Physical Attraction and Compartmentalization

In some situations, particularly casual or primarily physical relationships, people may compartmentalize their awareness of someone’s character flaws. Physical attraction operates through complex biological and psychological mechanisms that don’t always align with our rational assessment of someone’s suitability as a partner.

This doesn’t indicate shallowness or poor judgment. Human sexuality and attraction involve intricate interactions of hormones, psychology, personal history, and individual preference. Adults of all genders and orientations make autonomous decisions about their intimate lives, and those decisions don’t always require justification to others.

However, when patterns of attraction consistently lead toward people who treat us poorly, examining those patterns can be valuable—not to judge ourselves, but to understand what might be driving our choices.

The Appeal of Intensity and Unpredictability

Some relationship patterns develop around the excitement of unpredictability. A partner who is unreliable or emotionally volatile can create dramatic highs and lows that some people experience as passion or intensity. This can be particularly appealing to individuals who associate calmness with boredom or who learned in early relationships that love involves emotional turbulence.

It’s worth noting that healthy relationships can absolutely include excitement, novelty, and passion. The difference lies in whether that intensity comes from shared positive experiences and genuine connection, or from the anxiety and instability created by unhealthy dynamics.

What Observers Should Consider

If you’re concerned about someone you care about who seems to repeatedly choose partners who treat them poorly, approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgment. Remember that relationship dynamics are often more complex than they appear from the outside, and what you perceive as obviously unhealthy may serve psychological needs you’re not aware of.

Expressing concern can be appropriate, but trying to control another adult’s relationship choices typically backfires. Instead, maintain connection, offer support without conditions, and ensure the person knows you’re available if they need help or want to talk.

It’s also important to recognize the difference between relationships that are unsatisfying or feature poor communication, and relationships that are abusive. If you believe someone is in danger, that changes the calculus significantly and may warrant more direct intervention or connecting them with professional resources.

Reconsidering Relationship Strategy

Some people wonder whether adopting “hard to get” behaviors or emotional unavailability might make them more attractive. This approach is both manipulative and counterproductive. Healthy relationships are built on authenticity, mutual respect, and genuine connection—not on strategic emotional withholding or game-playing.

If someone isn’t interested in you, respect that boundary. Attempting to change someone’s mind through persistence, manipulation, or adopting a false persona isn’t just ineffective—it can constitute harassment. Healthy attraction involves explicit and enthusiastic consent and mutual interest, not convincing someone to overlook their own instincts.

No formula or strategy can manufacture genuine connection. Rather than trying to become someone you’re not, focus on developing into a person you respect—someone who treats others with kindness and maintains healthy boundaries. This authenticity will attract people looking for the same qualities you value.

Moving Toward Healthier Patterns

Recognizing unhealthy attraction patterns in yourself is an important first step, but changing those patterns typically requires more than awareness alone. These dynamics often have deep roots in attachment experiences, self-concept, and learned beliefs about relationships that developed over many years.

Working with a licensed clinical social worker can provide valuable support in examining these patterns. Through therapeutic conversation, you can explore where these tendencies originated, how they’ve shaped your relationship history, and what steps might help you develop healthier approaches to connection and intimacy.

ReachLink offers accessible telehealth therapy services that allow you to work with licensed clinical social workers from the comfort of your own space. This can be particularly valuable when addressing vulnerable topics like relationship patterns and attachment, where the privacy and convenience of virtual sessions may feel more comfortable than traditional office-based therapy.

Research has demonstrated that online therapy can effectively address loneliness and the psychological impacts of isolation—experiences often connected to unhealthy relationship patterns. Video-based therapy has been shown to produce comparable outcomes to in-person sessions for addressing anxiety, depression, and relationship concerns.

For couples working through these dynamics together, therapy can provide a structured space to examine patterns, improve communication, and develop healthier ways of relating. However, individual therapy can be equally valuable, allowing you to focus on your own attachment patterns, self-esteem, and relationship history without the complexity of navigating a partner’s presence.

Understanding Without Judgment

Attraction to people who don’t treat us well isn’t a character flaw or a sign of weakness. These patterns typically develop as adaptations to earlier experiences and reflect complex psychological processes rather than simple “bad choices.” Understanding the mechanisms behind these attractions—attachment styles, self-esteem, cultural messages, and learned beliefs about love—can reduce shame and open possibilities for change.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, approaching them with curiosity and self-compassion rather than judgment creates better conditions for growth. If you observe them in someone you care about, offering support without controlling their choices respects their autonomy while maintaining connection.

Ultimately, developing healthier relationship patterns is possible. With insight, support, and often professional guidance, people can learn to recognize and pursue connections that genuinely serve their wellbeing rather than repeating familiar painful dynamics.

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional.