The Science of Attraction: What Draws Us to Potential Partners

Attraction functions as a complex interplay of factors including humor compatibility, emotional intelligence, shared interests, compassion, and respect, with significant individual variation based on personality and experiences, making professional relationship counseling beneficial for exploring personal attraction patterns and developing healthier connections.

Ever wonder why you're drawn to some people and not others? Attraction involves far more than physical chemistry—discover the fascinating psychological factors that create genuine connection and what this means for your relationships.

Understanding Attraction: What Draws Us to Potential Partners?

The mystery of attraction has captivated human interest throughout history. That initial spark can be the beginning of a meaningful connection that develops into a long-term relationship. However, attraction remains highly subjective and complex—there’s no universal formula that explains why we’re drawn to certain people.

Current research suggests that attraction comprises intricate connections between numerous factors that shape our preferences and desires.

It’s important to note that experiencing different types of attraction on a relationship-specific basis is perfectly normal for many people. There isn’t currently a comprehensive list of attraction-related elements that addresses the needs of the entire gender and sexual identity spectrum. Researchers acknowledge that more study is needed in this area for people of all orientations, including genderqueer, nonbinary, and fluid individuals.

With this understanding, let’s explore what creates attraction, including potential causes and the various factors that may influence our decision-making process when considering potential partners.

What Causes Attraction?

Attraction has inspired countless creative expressions while remaining one of the most complex aspects of human relationships. Although some believe in “love at first sight,” science hasn’t identified a single cause of attraction. Instead, it’s generally understood to be a complex phenomenon specific to each individual and influenced by numerous factors.

Many assume physical attraction is the primary element in forming connections across the gender and sexual identity spectrum. However, most people seek something deeper—a well-rounded and compatible partner with whom they can connect emotionally and intellectually as well.

While physical attraction certainly plays a role in overall attraction, many believe that strong relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and communication—regardless of the gender identities of those involved.

Qualities people may seek in a partner

Understanding the various factors that create attraction can help us better understand our own preferences and potentially experience greater fulfillment in relationships. Here are some key areas that often influence attraction:

Humor

Time references research stating that “While both men and women say they like a ‘good sense of humor’ in a potential mate, they differ in what they mean by this phrase. Women tend to prefer men who can make them laugh, whereas many men tend to prefer women who laugh at their jokes. Consistent with this, Robert Provine analyzed more than 3000 single ads and found that women were more likely to describe their good humor appreciation ability, whereas men were more likely to offer good humor production ability.” Laughing together, having fun, and expressing mutual humor can be an important part of relationships. Many people enjoy spending time with someone who can make them laugh and appreciate their unique sense of humor.

Hobbies and Interests

Shared hobbies and interests can be a great foundation for getting to know a potential partner. Learning about someone’s passions offers insight into their values and lifestyle while providing opportunities for bonding. For example, if you discover a potential partner enjoys an activity you love, it can make for a perfect first date. Active participation in hobbies may also indicate that a person has a well-rounded life outside of romantic relationships.

Compassion

Compassion is a highly sought-after quality that can be universally attractive. Someone who is compassionate is typically also empathetic, kind, and understanding. Many people consider partners who can understand and connect with their feelings while offering support during difficult times. A compassionate partner can foster a deeper bond, creating a greater sense of perceived safety for both individuals. Compassion is also considered a valued communication element, as it often leads to more open and honest exchanges.

Emotional Intelligence

In another piece on attraction, Time quotes Silke Anders, a professor of Social and Affective Neuroscience at the University of Lübeck, stating that “To accomplish a common goal, partners must understand and continuously update information about their partner’s current intentions and motivation, anticipate the other’s behavior, and adapt their own behavior accordingly.” Emotional intelligence can offer a sense of relational resilience and comfort to someone seeking a supportive and communicative partner.

Respect

Most people are attracted to partners who treat them with respect. Respectful behavior includes listening to opinions and treating others as equals in the relationship. Mutual respect tends to foster deeper bonds and potential attraction.

Ambition

In this context, ambition doesn’t necessarily mean career success or financial achievement. Instead, it can simply indicate that a potential partner is motivated and goal-oriented. This quality is often valued because it can promote teamwork and stability in a relationship.

Intelligence

Intelligence may be attractive for many reasons. People with high intelligence are often good communicators and curious about the world around them, leading to a wide variety of common interests and conversation topics. Additionally, an intelligent partner may possess stronger critical thinking skills, which can help address both personal and practical challenges that arise in relationships.

Trustworthiness

Trust and honesty are crucial elements in most successful relationships. A reliable and dependable individual is generally viewed as a valuable companion. Prioritizing honest communication demonstrates trustworthiness, a trait many people seek in a potential partner.

Factors that may affect attraction

As we consider what influences attraction, it’s helpful to remember that everyone has unique preferences. Additionally, attraction typically combines many factors—meaning no two people will be exactly alike in terms of what attracts them.

Several factors might affect attraction beyond what we’ve listed above:

• Life Experience – Past experiences can significantly influence who we’re attracted to. For example, someone who struggled with communication in a previous relationship might seek someone with healthy communication skills in their next relationship.
• Personality – People are often drawn to those who complement their own personalities. Expressing interests, humor, and beliefs can be an excellent way for both individuals to attract each other and feel comfortable and connected.
• Chemistry – Chemistry plays a significant role in attraction and can be influenced by various factors (such as those listed above). In this context, chemistry isn’t limited to physical attraction—it refers to how two people interact and connect.

Benefits of telehealth therapy for relationship support

When discussing sensitive topics like attraction, personality, and romantic relationships, many clients feel more comfortable expressing themselves in a familiar environment. Telehealth therapy offers the opportunity to explore these issues from the comfort of your own home.

Another benefit of telehealth therapy is scheduling flexibility. Individuals who struggle to fit traditional therapy appointments into their busy lives often find it easier to schedule virtual sessions.

Is telehealth therapy effective for relationship support?

Many wonder if virtual therapy is relevant to their relationship needs. Ongoing scientific studies have explored this question, with results supporting the efficacy of online counseling.

A study published in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy explored how virtual therapy can revitalize the therapeutic relationship. Researchers found “Growing evidence that the digital natives of the younger generation who have grown up with technology as an integral part of everyday life and interpersonal connectedness are increasingly demanding services that match their needs and the world as they experience it. Video therapy (in this sense) provides a powerful pathway for clients to experience enhanced opportunities for self-expression, connection, and intimacy, with potentially a greater sense of agency over their therapeutic journey.”

Those interested in using therapy to develop deeper connection and intimacy might find telehealth therapy especially beneficial.

Takeaway

The question of what attracts us to others doesn’t have a simple answer. What we find attractive depends on specific factors of attraction and chemistry that appeal to us individually. These elements are influenced by personal preferences, values, appearance, and experiences.

It’s helpful to focus on becoming a more well-rounded person when seeking a partner and paying attention to your own preferences. Regardless of who you’re attracted to, you might consider telehealth therapy if you’re looking to explore attraction in relationships. ReachLink can connect you with licensed clinical social workers who can help you navigate these complex aspects of human connection.

Through our secure video sessions, our licensed clinical social workers can help you better understand your own patterns of attraction, improve your relationship skills, and develop healthier connections with potential partners—all from the comfort and convenience of your own space.