Breaking the Over-Apology Cycle: Building Self-Confidence
How To Stop Saying “I’m Sorry” Too Much And Nurture Self-Confidence
The ability to apologize when we’re wrong or if we’ve hurt someone is an admired trait. Being comfortable admitting when we’re wrong can convey self-confidence and a willingness to take accountability and make amends to the people around us.
But sometimes, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t appropriate or necessary. We might apologize out of habit without even realizing we’ve done so. There are many potential reasons why this might be, including underlying issues with low self-esteem, mental health, and well-being.
In this post, we’ll explore potential reasons why people over-apologize and provide tips on how to become comfortable enough to stop saying you’re sorry when you aren’t.
Understanding Why We Over-Apologize
While everyone has unique external circumstances that contribute to behavior, there are several potential reasons why people over-apologize that may have more to do with mental state. Some of these include:
A desire for people-pleasing
While a desire to please others isn’t necessarily harmful under balanced, appropriate conditions, some individuals sacrifice their own wants or needs while pleasing others. This can lead to apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology.
Fear of conflict
Most people are inclined to avoid unnecessary conflict whenever possible—but fear of conflict may lead us to focus more on placation than resolution. Unnecessary apologies are sometimes a form of avoidance during times when facing conflict might be a healthier choice.
Feelings of false guilt
Sometimes, people who over-apologize might feel guilty about factors that aren’t in their control. This is sometimes referred to as false guilt.
Feelings of carried guilt
This type of guilt refers to the kind of guilt that is passed down to us through outside influences in our lives, like parents and family members.
Societal, Familial, and Cultural Influences
Some experts suggest that young girls living in patriarchal cultures are more likely to feel less confident about asserting themselves, leading to excessive apologizing. Our self-consciousness about how others perceive us can also impact why we over-apologize. For example, a decades-old study from the University of Waterloo asked participants to record any offenses they committed and whether they did or didn’t apologize in a daily journal.
The results revealed that women in the study apologized more than their male counterparts because they felt they had committed more offensive behaviors when, in reality, there was no difference in the proportion of offenses committed by gender.
Children of parents with overinflated standards or excessive expectations around responsibility may become over-apologizers later in life. In some cases, children are taught that over-apologizing is a form of politeness.
Excessive Apologizing and Your Mental Health
Repeatedly saying you’re sorry when it isn’t necessary may emerge as a compulsive behavior due to a number of mental health conditions. For example, people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might compulsively apologize to (temporarily) placate specific obsessive thoughts and urges. Excessive apologizing may also be a symptom of social anxiety disorder as a response to fears about what other people think.
People might over-apologize when experiencing symptoms of depression, such as feeling “unworthy” of others’ attention, shame, insecurity, and self-doubt. In extreme situations, it might be an indicator of self-hatred or disdain.
Excessive apologizing may also be used as a sort of survival mechanism for people experiencing trauma or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) by essentially making them appear more submissive in order to avoid altercations with an abuser and keep themselves safe. This process might be conscious or unconscious.
How to Stop Saying “I’m Sorry” Too Much
Unlike issuing a “token” apology or saying sorry to appease someone, an unnecessary apology can feel sincere to an over-apologizer. They may genuinely feel sorry, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. These circumstances can make it challenging to stop—but there are techniques one can use to stop compulsive apologizing and start feeling more empowered.
Use alternative phrases
Instead of saying sorry, try expressing empathy or understanding. For example, say “Thank you for your patience” or “I appreciate your understanding” when appropriate. Also, avoid substituting an explanation with an apology. If you’re late to a meeting, consider offering the reason (“The bus was running late”) rather than an apology (“I’m sorry I’m late”).
Practice self-compassion
When we over-apologize due to self-criticism, it can continue diminishing our self-esteem. Be sure to treat yourself as you’d treat a friend: with kindness and compassion. Remind yourself that mistakes are human, and you don’t deserve to be judged or criticized by anyone, including yourself.
Set boundaries
People who apologize compulsively tend to have difficulty setting boundaries around their comfort zone, including saying “no” when someone asks you to sacrifice your own needs to accommodate theirs. If you feel obligated to meet someone’s expectations and then feel guilty when you don’t, it may be time to set some personal boundaries.
Challenge negative thoughts
Once you become mindful of your thoughts, you might begin to notice when they’re negative or self-deprecating. When negative thoughts arise, try to reframe them into something more positive. For example, instead of “I make too many mistakes,” consider “I make mistakes sometimes, but I learn from them.” This type of reframing can help you build self-confidence and develop more resilience to overcome challenges.
Fostering Mindfulness to Stop Over-Apologizing
Individuals can foster mindfulness in various ways. Practicing yoga, breathing exercises, meditation, gratitude, or therapy can all be effective ways to enhance self-awareness, compassion, and mindfulness.
Learning to pause and be mindful of our feelings and behaviors in daily life can be a helpful first step toward avoiding over-apologizing. Pay attention and try to identify situations where you tend to apologize unnecessarily.
Do you apologize profusely out of habit, to fill a silence, or because you feel insecure about “taking up space” in the environment? Does it make you feel better psychologically or more secure when interacting with others? Before automatically saying sorry, take a moment to assess the situation. Ask yourself if an apology is truly necessary or if it’s a reflex reaction to a more significant issue.
How Telehealth Therapy Can Help
What motivates one to over-apologize depends upon the individual, but in some cases, it may stem from a more significant mental health issue. Over-apologizers may do so because they fear stirring conflict or difficult feelings in others. One may over-apologize because they feel unworthy of others’ consideration and respect, pointing to severe issues around self-worth and self-value.
Learn how to stop saying “I’m sorry” too much
Licensed clinical social workers at ReachLink can help people to identify when they are over-apologizing and provide them with strategies to stop saying “I’m sorry” too much. Also, those experiencing challenges due to mental health issues may benefit from speaking to a professional. Our licensed clinical social workers can evaluate, develop a treatment plan tailored to the individual’s needs, and provide referrals when necessary. Despite its importance, getting help early can make a significant difference in overcoming excessive apologizing and building healthier communication habits. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore underlying causes, challenge negative thought patterns, and develop tools to foster genuine self-confidence.
Remember, while apologizing demonstrates humility and accountability, it’s equally important to recognize when such apologies are unnecessary and to honor your own worth. By understanding the root causes and practicing the strategies discussed, you can gradually reduce over-apologizing and replace it with more empowering behaviors.
Ultimately, nurturing self-confidence is a journey that involves patience, self-awareness, and support. Embracing yourself without excessive apologies is a powerful step toward healthier relationships and a more positive self-image.
