Stonewalling in Relationships: Signs and Coping Strategies

Origins of the Stonewalling Concept

The concept of stonewalling in relationships was extensively studied by John Gottman in the 1980s. Together with Robert Levenson, Gottman published research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology titled “Physiological and Affective Predictors of Change in Relationship Satisfaction.”

Their research revealed that elevated physiological states—indicated by increased heart rate and other factors—correlated with decreased relationship satisfaction. These heightened states often triggered emotions like anger and fear. As a self-soothing mechanism, some individuals completely withdrew from responding to their partners—behaviors that predicted declining relationship satisfaction.

How Stonewalling and Silent Treatment Intensify Conflict

Gottman later categorized stonewalling as one of his “Four Horsemen”—behaviors that negatively impact close relationships and potentially lead to their dissolution. In therapeutic relationships, stonewalling can significantly worsen conflicts. During disagreements or difficult discussions, acknowledging each other’s perspectives is crucial. When one person stonewalls, the other’s feelings go unrecognized, often intensifying negative emotions and completely derailing the possibility of resolution.

When stonewalling becomes intentional and manipulative, it can contribute to stress, depression, anxiety, and other negative mental health outcomes for those experiencing it.

Emotional abuse takes many forms with far-reaching consequences, and stonewalling represents just one manifestation. Recognizing the signs of harmful stonewalling can help individuals protect themselves in all types of relationships, including the therapeutic relationship.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

While physical or sexual violence often comes to mind when discussing abuse, emotional abuse can be equally harmful despite being less visible. Emotional abuse involves one person manipulating or controlling another’s feelings or behaviors through tactics like degradation, insults, and shame. This form of abuse can profoundly impact self-worth, create self-doubt, and establish power imbalances in relationships. The signs can be subtle and difficult to identify or prove.

Whether from a therapist, family member, or friend, emotional abuse typically centers on control and intentional emotional harm. It may manifest as verbal attacks, put-downs, or gaslighting.

Emotional abuse can occur in any relationship context, including therapeutic relationships, family dynamics, and friendships. It may be subtle or overt and is often difficult to recognize, especially for those experiencing it.

Common examples of emotional abuse include:

• Persistent criticism or belittlement
• Insulting or humiliating behavior
• Isolation from support networks
• Gaslighting (making someone question their perceptions or sanity)
• Withholding support or connection as punishment
• Threatening self-harm to control another’s behavior

It’s important to understand that emotional abuse, whether through stonewalling or other means, is never the recipient’s fault. No one deserves such treatment, and professional support is recommended if you believe you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind.

Is Stonewalling Emotional Abuse?

Effective communication forms the foundation of fulfilling relationships, including the therapeutic relationship. What happens when someone employs the silent treatment and stops communicating altogether? This behavior is known as stonewalling.

Stonewalling involves shutting down and becoming unresponsive, often displaying closed-off body language. It can occur during conflicts, discussions, or in everyday interactions. Stonewalling behaviors include withdrawing from interaction by ignoring someone, avoiding eye contact, walking away, or simply going silent about a topic. This behavior often leaves the other person feeling disrespected, invalidated, and dismissed.

How Stonewalling Causes Harm

There’s an important distinction between needing a temporary break from a difficult conversation—which is valid—and toxic stonewalling. The latter serves as an attempt to gain control or power. By shutting down communication and emotional connection through silence, the person stonewalling communicates that they don’t value the other’s feelings or perspective and intends to create isolation. This type of behavior typically causes emotional distress and can be classified as emotional abuse.

When stonewalling behaviors become a habitual pattern used with malicious intent, they can severely damage relationships. Using stonewalling as a communication method can make the recipient feel their needs, feelings, and opinions are irrelevant. This can damage self-esteem and potentially create feelings of neglect and abandonment.

Identifying Signs of Being Stonewalled

Recognizing stonewalling helps you address it effectively. Remember that stonewalling may be unintentional or intentional. Unintentional stonewalling often occurs when someone feels overwhelmed or anxious during a conversation. They might shut down as a fight-or-flight response because they feel unable to handle the situation. Conversely, intentional stonewalling—which typically qualifies as abuse—involves a conscious decision to stop communicating to punish, control, or gain power over another person.

Refusal to Communicate or Cooperate

Like other forms of emotional abuse, intentional, toxic stonewalling can be difficult to identify. Some people shut down during conflict without malicious intent due to past trauma or feeling overwhelmed, making problematic stonewalling harder to recognize.

Signs that stonewalling may be abusive include:

• Repeatedly refusing to engage in conversation over time
• Responding with sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments
• Playing the victim to shut down legitimate discussions about conflict or feelings
• Only stopping the behavior when you yield or apologize
• Ignoring or ridiculing your feelings about this behavior
• Using the behavior as a form of punishment

Protecting Yourself Emotionally in Relationships

Stonewalling can be frustrating and hurtful, leaving you feeling powerless and unheard. Certain techniques can help you protect yourself in relationships. However, if your safety or well-being is at risk due to stonewalling or other behaviors, prioritize seeking help and ensuring your safety.

Communicating Openly and Honestly

If someone in your life frequently shuts down during communication attempts, trying alternative communication approaches may help. For someone who’s simply overwhelmed rather than manipulative, expressing yourself calmly using “I” statements, active listening, and taking breaks when needed could improve the situation. If you employ these positive communication tactics with someone who continues toxic stonewalling, the situation may no longer be safe or changeable.

Establishing Boundaries

Setting boundaries helps protect yourself when dealing with stonewalling. Clearly communicating what behavior you will or won’t tolerate and establishing limits creates space for healthier communication. Examples include calmly ending conversations when you feel stonewalled or scheduling a different time to talk if the other person cannot communicate constructively in the moment.

Taking Breaks

Taking breaks when either party feels overwhelmed during a conversation can be beneficial. Time-outs help both parties relax and refocus without frustration or panic. However, ensure breaks aren’t used to permanently avoid communication. Agree on when you’ll resume the conversation to ensure the issue will eventually be addressed.

Practicing Self-Care

Stonewalling can be emotionally exhausting, but self-care helps you feel more empowered and balanced. Examples include:

• Taking personal time to relax, reflect, and recharge
• Engaging in enjoyable hobbies
• Spending quality time with supportive family or friends
• Seeking professional support from counselors or therapists when needed

Ultimately, it is essential to remember that nobody deserves to be stonewalled or subjected to any form of emotional abuse. Healing and growth are possible when unhealthy patterns are acknowledged and addressed. Whether through improved communication, boundary-setting, self-care, or therapy, taking proactive steps can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Recognizing the signs of stonewalling and emotional abuse empowers you to take control of your well-being and seek the support you need. Effective relationships are built on respect, understanding, and open dialogue. By prioritizing these values and protecting your emotional health, you can create connections that nurture and sustain you over time.