What is Verbal Abuse? When the term "abuse" comes up, many individuals immediately envision physical mistreatment. However, abuse can also take the form of verbal aggression, which can be harder to recognize and sometimes more harmful than physical violence . For assistance, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE A lack of awareness about verbal abuse might result in individuals enduring it in relationships without recognizing it. This article aims to help you identify verbal abuse, understand its causes, manifestations, and how to seek help. Numerous psychologists provide an extensive definition of verbal abuse. Professor Elaine Johannes outlined 15 criteria that could be considered verbal abuse. In essence, it's a manipulation technique employed by an individual to assert control over another person through non-physical means. This control may involve managing the other's actions, emotions, or choices. Frequently, such controlling or manipulative behaviors are disguised as affection or concern, while at other times, the abuse may be more obvious. Regardless, the abuse can generate fear in the victim – fear of embarrassment, failure, physical harm, or desertion. If you have experienced verbal abuse, it's crucial to recognize that you're not alone and that help is available. Recognizing Verbal Abuse Though verbal abuse doesn't result in visible injuries, it can still have detrimental consequences for those subjected to it. Regrettably, verbal abuse may go unnoticed and may not be perceived as serious, leading many to not seek help. Some justify the actions, while abusers can make victims feel oversensitive by dismissing the abuse as harmless teasing. Being a victim of verbal abuse, you might convince yourself that the abuser's harshness is meant to aid you. It is not unusual for survivors of verbal abuse to feel as if they are losing their sanity. However, once you can accurately identify verbal abuse, you can take necessary steps to seek help. How can you determine if you are experiencing verbal abuse? Typically, this form of abuse manifests as threats, intimidation, deliberate withholding, and other manipulation techniques. If someone you suspect of being abusive directs the following language towards you, it may indicate verbal abuse. "You're overly sensitive." "What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?" "Your idea is ridiculous." "Are you really that gullible?" "Are you that stupid?" "You're acting like a child." "Anybody else would side with me." "You have a poor taste in humor." "If you hadn't done this…" "I never said that," even though you know they did "That didn't happen." "That just shows how crazy you are." Refusing to accept any responsibility Dismissing things you find important (such as hobbies or ideas) Using offensive language or insults (whether vulgar or not) It is natural for people to occasionally lose their temper or say something unintentional. However, when such behavior becomes abusive, it occurs in a consistent pattern, not just once. Moreover, various types of verbal abuse may be employed. There is also a possibility for verbal abuse to escalate into physical abuse . Keep in mind that episodes of affectionate behavior between verbal attacks do not excuse the abuse. If you or someone you know is facing physical abuse, support is accessible. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Verbal abuse can occur in various settings, involving a range of individuals such as parents, romantic partners, colleagues, and even kids. Many psychologists differentiate between verbal abuse faced during childhood and that encountered in adulthood. There is a general awareness of abusive parents and romantic partners, but less recognition of verbal abuse in work environments and child-related relationships. Workplace Abuse Verbal abuse is not limited to close personal relationships; it can also occur in professional settings, involving bosses or colleagues. This kind of verbal abuse can be equally harmful compared to abuse in intimate or familial contexts, as you are exposed to the negative behavior for long durations. The prevalence of this problem is often underestimated. It is believed that over 50 million Americans have encountered some form of workplace bullying, including verbal abuse. Verbal abuse in the workplace shares similar characteristics with other abusive situations, manifesting as threats, angry outbursts, intimidation, ridicule, and other manipulative actions, such as disseminating false rumors and gossip. The consequences can make you feel unhappy at work, consumed with thoughts about it, and experience depression both inside and outside the office. Prolonged workplace abuse can impact your overall well-being, job security, and financial stability. It is crucial to confront the issue. Rather than retaliating aggressively, it is advisable to calmly and respectfully address the abuser's behavior and inform them that it constitutes harassment. Additionally, you can report the problem to a supervisor or a human resources (HR) representative. Abuse Targeted at Your Child Children frequently become victims of bullying and verbal abuse. At their stage in life, they possess limited power, making them susceptible to abusive situations that fundamentally revolve around power and control. However, children can also act as aggressors, directing their verbally abusive behavior towards parents, adult relatives, siblings, or educators. This occurrence is occasionally referred to as parental abuse by children or adolescent-to-parent violence. Specialists estimate that it impacts between 5% to 22% of the population. However, a 2017 meta-analysis conducted by researchers suggests that the issue is significantly underreported. In many relationships, distancing oneself from the abuser or minimizing interactions can be a solution, but this approach is not feasible for caregiver-child relationships. It is the adult's responsibility to continue providing care for the child and assist them in discovering more constructive ways to manage their frustrations before such behaviors become ingrained in their lives. By yielding to a child's abusive language, you inadvertently affirm their sense of power and control over you. To address this behavior effectively, prevention is key. It is crucial to teach children problem-solving skills from a young age. When parents continue to handle everything for their kids beyond the age when they require help, it sends the message that they are incapable. Children who do not know how to take charge of their lives may resort to verbal abuse to feel in control. Research on parental abuse remains limited. If you suspect you're experiencing verbal abuse from your child, it is advisable to seek assistance before this pattern of behavior leads to further negative consequences. Recognizing Verbal Abuse Identifying verbal abuse can be quite challenging, as it can occur in various contexts and present itself in numerous forms. Several manifestations will be explored below, but remember: a specific scenario described here may not necessarily indicate abuse. Conversely, the absence of a described situation does not automatically suggest the absence of abuse. However, considering these aspects can help you reflect on the potential presence of abuse within your relationships. Arguing over mundane subjects: There are topics, such as politics and philosophy, that naturally prompt debate. However, verbally abusive individuals may oppose your viewpoints on everyday matters, like a movie you've seen together, and attempt to persuade you that your opinions are incorrect. Refusing to discuss concerns related to their treatment of you: In a healthy relationship, whether intimate or otherwise, individuals can express their feelings and expect their partner to listen genuinely and help address problems. If the issues pertain to the relationship, both parties generally make a sincere effort to improve the situation. However, in an abusive relationship, the abuser is more likely to dismiss any allegations of mistreatment. They may deny any wrongdoing and insist that you are the problematic one or that your assertions are baseless. They might even attempt to convince you that it's all just in your mind. Unconstructive criticism: There's a significant distinction between someone pointing out areas for improvement in your life and someone belittling you to remind you of "your position." A verbally abusive individual may consistently make critical remarks. These criticisms often appear as "you" statements, such as "You never wash the dishes properly" or "You always overeat." They represent negative evaluations of you that neither provide assistance nor recognize your positive actions. Criticism disguised as jokes: Some abusers may insult you while claiming it's only a joke. This tactic allows them to plant the critical thoughts in your mind and make you feel bad, but they shield themselves by saying it was just a joke. In their perspective, you have no reason to be angry or hurt. This method enables them to manipulate the abuse and make you feel like you are the one with the problem. If their words upset you and you don't find them amusing, an apology is warranted, not an excuse that it was simply a joke. Downplaying your efforts: Trivializing occurs when the abuser treats something you've worked hard on as insignificant. They might undermine your accomplishments or claim they could have performed better. This type of verbal abuse often accompanies criticism. For example, if you share that you successfully ran a mile today, they might disregard your achievement and instead comment on your weight or boast they could have run the mile faster. Or you might discuss a challenging task you completed at work, only for them to respond that it doesn't sound difficult or that anyone could do it. Dominating the conversation: Verbal abuse is often about exerting control. An abuser may attempt to prevent you from discussing specific subjects or declare that it's not your turn to speak. They might try to direct the conversation according to their preference. They could also hinder you from addressing a problem by accusing you of excessive complaining. A verbally abusive individual usually needs to maintain control over conversations, as this is where they derive their sense of power. Attributing their problems to you: Verbal abusers frequently seek a scapegoat for problems that are their responsibility. If they fail to secure the desired job, they might find a way to blame you. If you both face financial difficulties, they may claim it's your fault for choosing a certain career or degree—even if they are not succeeding in their own career and have room for improvement. A relationship lacking support and collaborative problem-solving is not a healthy one. Issuing threats: Threats can appear in various forms. Abusers frequently exploit their targets' known fears. As they make themselves appear indispensable or cause the other person to feel entirely reliant on them, they might threaten to leave, abandon, fire, or divorce the other individual, creating panic and manipulating them to behave as desired. The Connection Between Anger, Control, and Verbal Abuse Frequently, abusers harbor anger. Intimidating outbursts can accompany verbal abuse, while at other times, the threats and insults may be discreet and subtle, yet still driven by anger. It is essential to understand that the anger isn't necessarily directed at you, and you are not responsible for provoking their outbursts. They may be enraged about their own lives and selves, regardless of whether the anger is warranted or not. The self-soothing technique employed by angry individuals often causes their abuse targets to feel uncertain and fearful. This grants them power and control over someone, which makes the abuser feel pleased. That is why it can be nearly impossible to stop a verbally abusive person, particularly during a rage. They may be reaping benefits from the situation rather than feeling foolish; they feel victorious. They have distressed you and elicited a reaction. Although the abuser may seem out of control externally, they can actually feel quite composed internally. Their abusive behavior is not always due to a loss of control; it is often a deliberate decision they make to manipulate and intimidate you. Numerous abuse survivors can confirm that abusers maintain control, as they can toggle their behavior on and off like a switch. Stopping an Abuser The most effective way to halt an abusive outburst is to remove yourself from the situation. However, leaving an argument with a verbally abusive person is not always straightforward. If you cannot distance yourself from the abuser, it is advisable to play along and allow the angry individual to "win." Arguing logically may be futile, as they are not receptive to reason. Trying to defend yourself is likely ineffective, as they aren't truly listening. Similarly, ignoring them in hopes they will leave might prove counterproductive, as they could become even more aggressive. Whether or not you're being dishonest with the abuser is irrelevant. When you're physically trapped with them, unable to leave, and the truth only fuels their rage, you adopt the role of an actor. Attempt to offer them the words they need to hear to conclude the verbal abuse episode, without making it apparent that you're being insincere. Do not let them infiltrate your mind and incite anger within you. Maintain self-control. When the opportunity arises, distance yourself from the situation. Impact of Verbal Abuse on Your Health Verbal abuse can manifest in diverse forms and influence various relationships. Regardless of the type of verbal abuse you're enduring, the impact on your health can be similar. If you're uncertain about addressing your abuse and seeking assistance, be aware that survivors of abuse may face the following health-related issues: Anxiety Depression Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) Elevated blood pressure Inflammatory diseases such as heart disease Social challenges Cognitive issues Chronic pain Headaches and migraines Speech difficulties, such as stammering Digestive problems, including indigestion or diarrhea Eating disorders Problems with anger management Considering the short- and long-term impacts of these issues, it is crucial to seek help promptly. Moreover, there are various methods for obtaining assistance; reaching out to external sources for support and guidance might be your most effective option. Prioritizing Your Well-being Your physical and mental health should be your top priority. While you may still care for your abuser, you cannot prioritize their needs or attempt to help them while they continue to mistreat you. By reading this article, you've taken the initial step: identifying the patterns of abuse. Now, you can consult a therapist about your circumstances. Professionals are equipped to provide you with guidance on starting the healing process and preventing potential health risks in the future. Therapy has proven to be effective in assisting individuals coping with a verbally abusive person in their lives. Verbal abuse expert and author Patricia Evans , in her groundbreaking book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, suggests narrative therapy as a way to manage this behavior. This therapy approach encourages patients to identify their strengths and weaknesses in terms of character and recurring behaviors and events in their lives. According to Evans, this process can help abuse survivors become aware of the challenges they have been facing. As a survivor of abuse, the prospect of scheduling a therapy appointment can be daunting. You might be hesitant to let the abuser know that you're seeking help. This is where online counseling can be beneficial. This form of counseling offers convenience, allowing you to schedule appointments according to your needs. ReachLink is an online counseling service through which you can search for support and connect with a counselor who specializes in various areas, such as assisting abuse survivors. Please find below a few reviews of our ReachLink online counselors from individuals facing similar challenges.